Why Suicide?

Because that was the only way of escape from the never-ending pain and sadness that plagued me day in and out. I hated getting out of bed because it meant that I had to get up and face reality. The reality of my cycle of hitting brick walls. Never seeing anything good happening. Everything was dead. My relationships were a dead end of abuse. I cried just to get relief. Sadness was my attire that I wore everyday. Suicide was my only option.

At the time, that’s what I thought.

On the outside, it seemed like I had it all together, No, I didn’t look like Beyoncé neither was I balling like her. But I was well put together. Hair done, makeup flawless (most days). Dressed well. I ‘looked’ the part, but that was all an act. I had to act like I looked good to play off the war that was going on the inside. Thoughts of never measuring up or being good enough. It was a battle that I fought daily. Depression won every time.

But you’re a Christian.

I know, but who would understand the suicidal thoughts that I had? How will I explain that I wanted my life to end? I’m saved, I’m suppose to know that God is a healer. And yes, He is. But I can’t see Him healing someone like me. How can He? It’s too much. Way too much. I felt ashamed because I’m suppose to know better. Right?

Just because I was saved didn’t mean I stopped having those feelings. It only meant that I didn’t fully surrender to God’s healing. He is a healer and He came to give a life worth living. It’s a decision that one must make. You have to decide whether or not you want to break free from the bondage of depression. It’s a decision and its up to you, if you want to change. God will be with you through the good and bad of your journey and He will never leave you alone. There’s nothing impossible for God to do. He can heal the most broken part of you. Give Him a chance. You’d be surprised at what He can do. So the next time you feel like suicide is your only option, try life. You may like it.